Before I had Jennifer I was a very selfish person. Downright cruel to be exact. I even remember being pregnant with Jenny and sensing something was off. I had even gone into this Wendy’s and there sat a woman with her son, who had severe Down Syndrome. I had become irate and i am sure this poor mother heard me. Ranting on how could she ever bring her son into the establishment. To be honest, I do not even know where this hatred came from. Maybe it was a sub-conscious fear. Either way, I am so sorry, but I could never repair the damage I caused to this mother’s heart.
I remember being pregnant and listening to the radio. I always loved to sing, yet as I would sing, she would become aggitated in the womb and I had a sense of anger spiritually. It kinda makes sense now, seeing that Jenny loves music so much and kicks uncontrollably as she laughs and bobs her head to the beat.
The day Jennifer was born, I had severe abdominal pain after a cervix check. This was like the next day and it just increased to where I couldn’t move. They did an emergency C-Section and delivered her. I could hear the APGARS and I knew there was something very wrong. I looked at my baby on the table and she was looking back at me, with eyes wide open. I know this may seem hard to believe, but her eyes were like dark pools of water and she seemed to be telling me a special secret. It was like all in a short matter of time, she was telling me of her love and this big journey we would share. I felt her love and quieted. I sensed a peace.
I had suffered intense internal injury and had blood in my urine. The doctor said it was normal for that kind of trauma. What exact trauma, I do not know. I guess the lashing around. I just do not know. Either way I was bed-ridden. My husband (now my Ex) was so good at this time. Checking on her at the nursery, he would tell me how people would walk by and stare at Jenny. They would say, “Look at the sick baby”, he would say. I became so mad that I made the nurses close the blinds where Jenny was. My baby was not a side-show.
Later the doctor came in and said he needed to speak with Danny. I felt in my heart that he was going to say she died. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. “Please God! Please do not take my baby!” My husband came back and said they were going to Life Flight her to another hospital, as they did not have the means to sustain her life. She was unable to breathe on her own.
I was wheeled to the nursery where they began to hook her up for the flight. I cried and cried so hard. This was the first time I could actually touch her and there were so many wires running in and out of her. As they took her down to the helicopter, we looked out the window and saw them roll her down the walkway and onto the helicopter. I didn’t know if I would ever see my baby again.
I was finally able to go home and it was odd returning home with no baby. The neighbors who had once spoken to me each day, now never uttered a word. It was as if I was a ghost. I had called the neo-natal hospital where Jenny was often, until I was well enough to get there, which was only a day or so. Within this time she had had transfusions and almost left me 3 times. I went in to see her by wheelchair and mended beside her. I stayed 24/7. It would be her eighth day in neo-natal before I could actually hold her for the first time. That moment was the greatest of my life…well one of many she will give me.
They later showed me how to G-Tube feed her but that never went well since it would come right back up. I used my instincts and got her to suck on a nipple the first day. The staff had been unsuccessful. I had pumped milk while I was with her. she would never take the bottle, so I had plenty stored in a freezer for her.
As time would pass, around 3 months, I noticed developmental skills were off. I sensed something was not right, but my mother and husband said it was all in my head. I took her for an accessment and my thoughts were verified. From there it was Neurologists, Dieticians, you name it!
I remember just zoning out. I had become so depressed from what seemed like being cheated. Her being cheated. She was so beautiful. Is so beautiful. I remember I was doing laundry and I had just broken down and cried like I had never cried in my life. A few years had gone by and I was seeing more of her “speed bumps” as I called it. A bump in the road, but one we could definitely cross over with some gentle care.
Then around 3 she had her first Grand Mal. I was horrified and felt so much dread and despair. I was frantic and 911 could not be fast enough for me! Talking to the operator was like a nightmare. Each second seemed like hours for me. I hated looking at her physical body quiver and jolt. Those beautiful lips move up and down and in and out, uncontrollably. In the emergency room, It was those little things that she could barely do, that I so desperately wanted to hear and see again. It seemed like hours before she regained herself.
Seizures and more seizures, but then learning to give her the rectal medication. I am still not good at seizures and still freak out. She had one, well about a hundred July 2005. They just would not quit. She had flat-lined at the hospital and I will never forget the feeling of wondering if the love of my life was going to leave me that day.
I remember thinking years ago that she would never be able to call my name. She cannot speak and today only uses 1 syllables, except for one word…Momma. Oh! The first time she called my name I was ironing and I freaked out! I was joyfully screaming. It would be 2 weeks before she would say my name again. I guess I scared her.
Jenny today, at this date 12/10/06 is 10 years old and the joy of my very life. She gives me and those around her so much love. She endures and never gives up. Sure there are days I can sense she is tired and some days when she comes home from school that she just says my name and cries for me. I just hold her and reassure her of my love and do my best to empathize her struggle.
She is blind but loves yellow and purple. She cannot walk, but her love takes her and me to places only angels tread. I love to sit with her on the recliner and let it go all the way back and then back up again. I love her laugh and the way she makes a pucker sound to remind me to put her Brittney Spears Gloss on.
I love how she doesn’t see racism, hatred or even have a concept of it. I love the purity of her heart. I love the way she closes her hands together when I say, “Jesus” and she knows God. She clasps her hands together and prays on her own and even with me. I love the way she laughs when I sneeze and how she burps in public. I actually bought her a burping machine from Spencers that she adores. She also loves that EASY Button from Staples, but we lost it somewhere in here. It says, “That was easy!” That button suits her perfectly, for what would make one man or woman give up hope, she faces head on with laughter and love. Jennifer….I love you with all of my heart. You have changed me. You have opened my eyes to pure unconditional love. No matter where our lives lead us, even after one of us may pass-on. I will always be eternally changed by your love and teaching.
You my beloved, saved me. Mommy loves you.
UPDATE 03/09/2011 – Jennifer is 14 now and has not had a seizure since 2005. She has grown so big and is so smart. She is unable to walk, but she is the only kid I have who actually takes her plate and cup to the sink when she is done. If I am doing dishes, she hands it to me. Her love for Jesus is even stronger and she is such a lovely greeter to all she meets. Jennifer has grown into a fine young woman who is super cool and loads of fun to be around. She still has her speed bumps, but it is funny – When she was in Neo-Natal, they asked me when she was just a few days old to describe her (personality). How do I do that? I do not really know her yet, I thought. I silenced myself and offered adjectives that described her such as tenacious, strong-willed, loving, joyful, compassionate – and all of those aspects are within her. I love you more today than yesterday, my beautiful Jennifer.
Our family now consists of Me (Mommy), Jennifer and Daniel. Jennifer’s older sister Mary lives out on her own and her father has since left, as did my second husband. I have found in my life, that there are those who are created of strong character and will and those who are not. If everyday of your life you get up and you do it all over and over again and have sacrificed so much of yourself for the betterment of someone else, then you deserve a huge blessing and I give that to you. It is easy to quit. It is easy to cast away, but if you are hanging in there everyday and giving it all to your child, your family member, who is disabled or sick, then you are someone I want to know. I have so much respect for you and you know what? You are a true soldier of life. I think 90% of the world would turn away, but we are the few and far between. I think that is why God chose us. Our children are angels and so full of love. No, we did not get what the world calls “normal”, we got something alot better – everyday miracles. Bless you for your endurance and faith. –Jennifer’s Mommy